The last two weeks have passed without much incident. Things are going well and I feel like I'm making some real progress moving forward. I've come to a place inside myself where I feel it's in my best interest to be alone for a while. A good while, I should think. I'm happy because for a change it hasn't come from a place of anger or bitterness, but more from a desire to learn from and about myself. I have a lot of things to sort through, a lot of things to do, and I think it'll be a long time before I become the person I want to be. I can get there, I'm sure, but it will take time.
Two days ago, I finally got around to calling an old friend I'd been meaning to catch up with. It was good to hear her voice again; reminds me of easier times, when things seemed clear and straightforward. I admit feeling a little guilty as I'm sure I talked her ear off, but we did get to exchange some local gossip like old times. I'll be flying out there in November, as usual. Some traditions should never be broken, no matter what storms we weather in life.
We talked about the divorce; I wonder when that will seem normal? I felt a lot stronger inside discussing it than usual. I have my own theories about what went wrong and why things happened the way they did now. I no longer blame the entirety of it on myself, in fact, I wonder if I played a part in it at all. There were so many things about Jessica that I had overlooked.
At any rate, I've started dreaming about her again. It bothers me on some level, I feel, because I don't have any control over that. I've done as much as I can to cut her out of my life after what she did. It was the only way I could keep myself from drowning in depression. I used to dream about trying to find her, about finding her sleeping with her boyfriend or about her telling me she had. Lately, it's been a bit different. I dream she's asking for me back, or trying to hold me, but I just push her away and end up crying. Sometime, she tries to convince me that she loves me still or that her and her boyfriend have not slept together. Either way, the dreams are torturous in ways I can't even begin to explain. I hate them.
I dreamed last night that we were talking, she tried convincing me again and I laid out quite simply that she would have to make her boyfriend move back to Delaware and never speak to him again; That if I found out she had so much sent him an emoticon, I would move back out. Then I woke up.
It's given me a lot to think about this morning. Like, is it really worth it to take someone back under even those circumstances? I don't think so. The trust is gone, the covenant is broken. Truly, it would take an act of God to put us back together. Still, it was unnerving to learn that there is still some part of me that wants her back, despite everything. It wants to forgive her unforgivable acts and love her. Somehow, it keeps hoping and wishing that this will somehow all work out, like some sort of story book; that maybe she'll come to some realization someday and we'll get back together and the universe can go back to resuming the natural order of things. It's a part of me that I know I need to let go of, yet I can never manage to kill that last little sliver of hope. I think it's because I promised never to give up on us; a promise I made not just to her, but to the core of myself.
I realize how many dreams we had built together. We used to dream about our careers taking off, about maybe affording a house someday. We dreamed about our kids, what we would name them, when we would have them, what we would name them. Sometimes, we'd dream about running a bed and breakfast together, just the two of us, somewhere in Ohio. We used to dream about a simple life, just us, with our animals and our children, living on whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, living out near the woods together, happy and content. We didn't want to be rich, just...well....middle class.
I've tried to let go of those dreams, but it turns out the dreams won't let go of me. They manage to keep floating around in my mind, hoping somehow it'll all work out, even though I know it's not going to. Truth be told, they're still things I want. I'm just having a hard time seeing how it's all going to work out without her. I had never pictured anyone else in her spot. Ever. Imagine 5 or 10 years down the line, standing next to someone completely different, having a completely different life. That's crazy to think about. It can happen, though. It can happen in the blink of an eye.
Most days I try to think about each day on its own. We're taught to constantly think about the future and somehow we end up regretting our past. I try to just live in the moment and getting out of my own head as much as possible. I keep pushing for that better day where I'm smarter, wiser, and happier because I know who I am. I know it's possible, somehow. It seems incredibly unlikely now, an infinitesimal speck of a chance of happening, but I have to keep trying. I have to keep dreaming, no matter how scary it gets.
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