Brain Storms

I've been running into problems lately. Not serious problems, mind you, but...problems. Or are they? It's rather hard to explain, but I'll do my best.


I'm intensely creative. An old friend of mine used to tell me that my nature was one of constant and intense learning and creation. If my mind isn't going, if I stagnate, it literally begins to cause me an amount of stress. I need to be busy, under the pressure of a deadline, and the joy of seeing one of my brain-children out in the world and functioning exactly as I dreamed it. That's just how I am.


Since I've been essentially released from being responsible for anyone but myself, I've had a lot of time on my hands (did I mention I quit playing online games? I mean it, a LOT of time). It hasn't been exactly helpful that things have king of been slow at work, too. It's times like these when the flood gates open. I may be content to just enjoy things, but my brain refuses. It needs something, anything to fiddle with. It has to be working on something. Unfortunately, I am also someone who doesn't do small time. My brain doesn't just think big, it thinks monolithic. If that were not enough, it also appears to be wired for perfectionism. Every thing done by the books, right the first time, everything it should be and more. 


This is a source of infinite frustration with me, as you can imagine. When my boredom reaches it's zenith, as it has for the last two days, my adorable creative desires mutate. It morphs into some raging, all-encompassing, 3-eyed results monster. It wants10 things done today, now, this minute. It pulls me in every direction, unintentionally pulling me apart in the process.


I've done my best trying to handle this facet of me effectively, but I'm not the best at it. Yesterday, the Results Monster came out doing a buck eighty and hit me dead on. Some of the things it wanted to accomplish? Well,  let's see:


Learn Python
Learn C#
Write a fantasy novel
Create custom wireframe geometry for Elder Scrolls: Oblivion
Learn how to properly use Blender
Learn how to create custom WorldSpaces for ES: O
Create custom items for ES:O
Mount my old HD through a IDE/USB adapter 
Learn Spanish
Write a song, complete with sheet music
Oh, yeah, learn how to play the piano
Learn how to construct an effective plot
Cook Dinner
Did you write that Fantasy Novel yet?


It's rather obvious, in retrospect, how I managed to become mildly depressed in the middle of my perfect, sunny July day, though I would have disagreed at the time. Perhaps, in the space of a few years, each of these ideas could be meted out and seen to a sort of fruition, yet somehow my brain was ardently convinced it had to do these things right fucking now. This inevitably leads me to a sort of wistful depression where I feel I can make no immediate progress at all. I lay as a frightened stargazer; gazing up at the chaotic storm, the strobe-lightning flash of ideas, too overpowered by the sheer amount of work to begin.


I woke up late this morning: it's rainy outside. I'm fixing a sandwich when the song I've been trying to work out for 3 weeks pops into my head again. Can't it just go away for a while? I didn't always use to be like this. I used to feel organized, I was organized. You know, when I was in college, I used to have outlines and...


Once again, I have another life-epiphany: Bite-sized chunks. Why do I forget this? I'll never know, but it's true. I get so caught up in how grand the final end of each task will be that I  set it on a pedestal, too focused on how fantastic it will be to see how it will actually begin. My creative process completely bypasses the Step-by-Step procedural logic that I execute in my every day operations. Silly brain...


How will I resolve this? Haven't a clue. I have a strange compulsion to outline EVERYTHING. This is, however, only one method of sketching out how something will work. It is clear to me now that the first thing I should tackle is how to keep organized and realistic during the creative process. Oh, and something about taking one thing at a time and having patience, I guess. I'm hoping that this is one of those revelations I can hang on to (nothing sucks worse than having to learn a lesson a 34th time), but knowing me, I wouldn't hold my breath. Still, a guy can certainly try.


Incidentally, if you are toying with the idea of writing (as I am), might I suggest this great website on writing. Being someone who has had many 'creative writing' courses, but never something that I felt was strictly formal, I deeply enjoyed this. I feel there is much to be learned here.


Now, if you will kindly excuse me. I believe there are some bullet points that are about to fly.