I cannot begin to tell you how much I envy the "Manly" men of this world some days. You know the type. They wake up, shave with a rock, bathe in a raging waterfall, and then wrestle a grizzly bear just for kicks before breakfast. Next, they're off to work building entire log cabins (somehow, with just an axe). Later, they ride home on a wild horse just in time to fish a 15 lb bass from the lake for dinner before finally falling asleep in their massive tree-house-style ranch.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that. Still, this is the perception I am bombarded with on a regular basis. It is a stereotype of the worst kind. I believe it has been less of a stereotype that I have developed personally and more of one that has been impressed upon me, but it is a stereotype nonetheless. That should invalidate it, right? I wish I could push it away, but the frequency of which I am personally judged against this stereotype is immensely irritating. I have been left with the impression that, somehow, there are 'guy' guys and then there is me. I'm different, they propose, though they are quick to add how great it is that I am so different. Regardless, when you are told you are different and in such regularity, you begin to question the nature of that difference.
Then it hit me this week. I had a rather disheartening conversation with someone I can genuinely say I had an attraction to at some point. Based on that conversation and several others, I'm coming to grips with the fact that I strike a wide audience of females as being homosexual. These people have assumed me to be gay and are surprised to find out that I'm not. I'd be interested to know how many males think this about me, but I suppose it concerns me less because I am not attracted to males (ironically enough). It does concern me, though. Not to sound callous, but I enjoy sleeping with women, yet I am repeatedly placed into what is dreadfully referred to as the "friend zone" by women I am outright attracted to. It has become so frustrating that I often times find myself settling for overly confrontational women and/or aggressive, which is something I have avowed never to do again. Now, I have exactly 0 against people who indulge in same-sex relationships. I think it's great we live in an era where it is becoming increasingly more acceptable to do so. It's seems America is taking tiny progressive steps to moving past our puritan phobias, but are our stereotypes still getting the better of us?
Take this article for example. Now, there is clearly an intolerable discrimination against the Gay community taking place here. Your blood could be infected, regardless of your sexual orientation and self-reporting is hardly an accurate method of screening. Tests, not discrimination, should be used. Still, it brought to mind, for me, the aforementioned issue. How could they say this man appears gay? What was the criteria in their mind that solidified their sweeping generalization?
We can put a lot of things forward just from the photograph: He is very slim, his feature are very fair and soft. We can further imagine, perhaps, that his voice is a bit higher. Maybe he likes to talk about clothes or how he loves animals. He could enjoy music about falling in love, liberal about dispensing hugs, and dreams of a big wedding someday. What have we done? Have we not just described a stereotypical female?
That is the question my mind toys with. We are told that a strong, empowered, emboldened female is correct and progressive as a society, yet we look down on men who take it upon themselves to be caring and like to sew quilts. Worse, we are categorizing them as having a different sexual orientation and, according to the article, just for how they look. It's not just him, it's me too. It's a lot of guys out there and from my personal experience, I can tell you it is immensely painful and frustrating. I want to be sensitive and vulnerable and not judged as being too feminine or gay, just as I'm sure there are women out there who want to be strong and assertive and not be called too masculine or butch. We aren't trying to be anything, we're simply ourselves.
It brings to mind the struggle of the Transexual, who perhaps has the sort of enlightenment that is needed in this moment; that the gender roles we attach to our facets do not define us. Bench pressing 500lbs does not make you a man any more than baking a cake and petting your cat makes you feminine. We are not consigned to any one gender role, same sex relationship or not, since the essence of these roles are based on purely trivial, meaningless things. Attempting to affix labels based on these preconceived notions of gender or sexual preference is small mindedness of the most stupendous kind.
How can we address this properly, though, when we perceive someone acting in a manner in which our culture would have us define as Gay or Feminine? Perhaps being aware of our silent assumptions, as we sit engaging in conversation with a man wearing pink and giggling about how adorable those shoes are. Perhaps he is and maybe he is very proud of this label. But since I cannot tell what labels he identifies with, as he tells me how much he enjoys fuzzy, adorable kitten. I keep my assumptions to myself, no....I suspend them. I sheath them, knowing how very sharp they are and how very deep they can cut. I smile and enjoy his company, comfortable with someone else who is comfortable with exactly who they are.
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