I've been running into problems lately. Not serious problems, mind you, but...problems. Or are they? It's rather hard to explain, but I'll do my best.
I'm intensely creative. An old friend of mine used to tell me that my nature was one of constant and intense learning and creation. If my mind isn't going, if I stagnate, it literally begins to cause me an amount of stress. I need to be busy, under the pressure of a deadline, and the joy of seeing one of my brain-children out in the world and functioning exactly as I dreamed it. That's just how I am.
Since I've been essentially released from being responsible for anyone but myself, I've had a lot of time on my hands (did I mention I quit playing online games? I mean it, a LOT of time). It hasn't been exactly helpful that things have king of been slow at work, too. It's times like these when the flood gates open. I may be content to just enjoy things, but my brain refuses. It needs something, anything to fiddle with. It has to be working on something. Unfortunately, I am also someone who doesn't do small time. My brain doesn't just think big, it thinks monolithic. If that were not enough, it also appears to be wired for perfectionism. Every thing done by the books, right the first time, everything it should be and more.
This is a source of infinite frustration with me, as you can imagine. When my boredom reaches it's zenith, as it has for the last two days, my adorable creative desires mutate. It morphs into some raging, all-encompassing, 3-eyed results monster. It wants10 things done today, now, this minute. It pulls me in every direction, unintentionally pulling me apart in the process.
I've done my best trying to handle this facet of me effectively, but I'm not the best at it. Yesterday, the Results Monster came out doing a buck eighty and hit me dead on. Some of the things it wanted to accomplish? Well, let's see:
Learn Python
Learn C#
Write a fantasy novel
Create custom wireframe geometry for Elder Scrolls: Oblivion
Learn how to properly use Blender
Learn how to create custom WorldSpaces for ES: O
Create custom items for ES:O
Mount my old HD through a IDE/USB adapter
Learn Spanish
Write a song, complete with sheet music
Oh, yeah, learn how to play the piano
Learn how to construct an effective plot
Cook Dinner
Did you write that Fantasy Novel yet?
It's rather obvious, in retrospect, how I managed to become mildly depressed in the middle of my perfect, sunny July day, though I would have disagreed at the time. Perhaps, in the space of a few years, each of these ideas could be meted out and seen to a sort of fruition, yet somehow my brain was ardently convinced it had to do these things right fucking now. This inevitably leads me to a sort of wistful depression where I feel I can make no immediate progress at all. I lay as a frightened stargazer; gazing up at the chaotic storm, the strobe-lightning flash of ideas, too overpowered by the sheer amount of work to begin.
I woke up late this morning: it's rainy outside. I'm fixing a sandwich when the song I've been trying to work out for 3 weeks pops into my head again. Can't it just go away for a while? I didn't always use to be like this. I used to feel organized, I was organized. You know, when I was in college, I used to have outlines and...
Once again, I have another life-epiphany: Bite-sized chunks. Why do I forget this? I'll never know, but it's true. I get so caught up in how grand the final end of each task will be that I set it on a pedestal, too focused on how fantastic it will be to see how it will actually begin. My creative process completely bypasses the Step-by-Step procedural logic that I execute in my every day operations. Silly brain...
How will I resolve this? Haven't a clue. I have a strange compulsion to outline EVERYTHING. This is, however, only one method of sketching out how something will work. It is clear to me now that the first thing I should tackle is how to keep organized and realistic during the creative process. Oh, and something about taking one thing at a time and having patience, I guess. I'm hoping that this is one of those revelations I can hang on to (nothing sucks worse than having to learn a lesson a 34th time), but knowing me, I wouldn't hold my breath. Still, a guy can certainly try.
Incidentally, if you are toying with the idea of writing (as I am), might I suggest this great website on writing. Being someone who has had many 'creative writing' courses, but never something that I felt was strictly formal, I deeply enjoyed this. I feel there is much to be learned here.
Now, if you will kindly excuse me. I believe there are some bullet points that are about to fly.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
On Being Different
I cannot begin to tell you how much I envy the "Manly" men of this world some days. You know the type. They wake up, shave with a rock, bathe in a raging waterfall, and then wrestle a grizzly bear just for kicks before breakfast. Next, they're off to work building entire log cabins (somehow, with just an axe). Later, they ride home on a wild horse just in time to fish a 15 lb bass from the lake for dinner before finally falling asleep in their massive tree-house-style ranch.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that. Still, this is the perception I am bombarded with on a regular basis. It is a stereotype of the worst kind. I believe it has been less of a stereotype that I have developed personally and more of one that has been impressed upon me, but it is a stereotype nonetheless. That should invalidate it, right? I wish I could push it away, but the frequency of which I am personally judged against this stereotype is immensely irritating. I have been left with the impression that, somehow, there are 'guy' guys and then there is me. I'm different, they propose, though they are quick to add how great it is that I am so different. Regardless, when you are told you are different and in such regularity, you begin to question the nature of that difference.
Then it hit me this week. I had a rather disheartening conversation with someone I can genuinely say I had an attraction to at some point. Based on that conversation and several others, I'm coming to grips with the fact that I strike a wide audience of females as being homosexual. These people have assumed me to be gay and are surprised to find out that I'm not. I'd be interested to know how many males think this about me, but I suppose it concerns me less because I am not attracted to males (ironically enough). It does concern me, though. Not to sound callous, but I enjoy sleeping with women, yet I am repeatedly placed into what is dreadfully referred to as the "friend zone" by women I am outright attracted to. It has become so frustrating that I often times find myself settling for overly confrontational women and/or aggressive, which is something I have avowed never to do again. Now, I have exactly 0 against people who indulge in same-sex relationships. I think it's great we live in an era where it is becoming increasingly more acceptable to do so. It's seems America is taking tiny progressive steps to moving past our puritan phobias, but are our stereotypes still getting the better of us?
Take this article for example. Now, there is clearly an intolerable discrimination against the Gay community taking place here. Your blood could be infected, regardless of your sexual orientation and self-reporting is hardly an accurate method of screening. Tests, not discrimination, should be used. Still, it brought to mind, for me, the aforementioned issue. How could they say this man appears gay? What was the criteria in their mind that solidified their sweeping generalization?
We can put a lot of things forward just from the photograph: He is very slim, his feature are very fair and soft. We can further imagine, perhaps, that his voice is a bit higher. Maybe he likes to talk about clothes or how he loves animals. He could enjoy music about falling in love, liberal about dispensing hugs, and dreams of a big wedding someday. What have we done? Have we not just described a stereotypical female?
That is the question my mind toys with. We are told that a strong, empowered, emboldened female is correct and progressive as a society, yet we look down on men who take it upon themselves to be caring and like to sew quilts. Worse, we are categorizing them as having a different sexual orientation and, according to the article, just for how they look. It's not just him, it's me too. It's a lot of guys out there and from my personal experience, I can tell you it is immensely painful and frustrating. I want to be sensitive and vulnerable and not judged as being too feminine or gay, just as I'm sure there are women out there who want to be strong and assertive and not be called too masculine or butch. We aren't trying to be anything, we're simply ourselves.
It brings to mind the struggle of the Transexual, who perhaps has the sort of enlightenment that is needed in this moment; that the gender roles we attach to our facets do not define us. Bench pressing 500lbs does not make you a man any more than baking a cake and petting your cat makes you feminine. We are not consigned to any one gender role, same sex relationship or not, since the essence of these roles are based on purely trivial, meaningless things. Attempting to affix labels based on these preconceived notions of gender or sexual preference is small mindedness of the most stupendous kind.
How can we address this properly, though, when we perceive someone acting in a manner in which our culture would have us define as Gay or Feminine? Perhaps being aware of our silent assumptions, as we sit engaging in conversation with a man wearing pink and giggling about how adorable those shoes are. Perhaps he is and maybe he is very proud of this label. But since I cannot tell what labels he identifies with, as he tells me how much he enjoys fuzzy, adorable kitten. I keep my assumptions to myself, no....I suspend them. I sheath them, knowing how very sharp they are and how very deep they can cut. I smile and enjoy his company, comfortable with someone else who is comfortable with exactly who they are.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that. Still, this is the perception I am bombarded with on a regular basis. It is a stereotype of the worst kind. I believe it has been less of a stereotype that I have developed personally and more of one that has been impressed upon me, but it is a stereotype nonetheless. That should invalidate it, right? I wish I could push it away, but the frequency of which I am personally judged against this stereotype is immensely irritating. I have been left with the impression that, somehow, there are 'guy' guys and then there is me. I'm different, they propose, though they are quick to add how great it is that I am so different. Regardless, when you are told you are different and in such regularity, you begin to question the nature of that difference.
Then it hit me this week. I had a rather disheartening conversation with someone I can genuinely say I had an attraction to at some point. Based on that conversation and several others, I'm coming to grips with the fact that I strike a wide audience of females as being homosexual. These people have assumed me to be gay and are surprised to find out that I'm not. I'd be interested to know how many males think this about me, but I suppose it concerns me less because I am not attracted to males (ironically enough). It does concern me, though. Not to sound callous, but I enjoy sleeping with women, yet I am repeatedly placed into what is dreadfully referred to as the "friend zone" by women I am outright attracted to. It has become so frustrating that I often times find myself settling for overly confrontational women and/or aggressive, which is something I have avowed never to do again. Now, I have exactly 0 against people who indulge in same-sex relationships. I think it's great we live in an era where it is becoming increasingly more acceptable to do so. It's seems America is taking tiny progressive steps to moving past our puritan phobias, but are our stereotypes still getting the better of us?
Take this article for example. Now, there is clearly an intolerable discrimination against the Gay community taking place here. Your blood could be infected, regardless of your sexual orientation and self-reporting is hardly an accurate method of screening. Tests, not discrimination, should be used. Still, it brought to mind, for me, the aforementioned issue. How could they say this man appears gay? What was the criteria in their mind that solidified their sweeping generalization?
We can put a lot of things forward just from the photograph: He is very slim, his feature are very fair and soft. We can further imagine, perhaps, that his voice is a bit higher. Maybe he likes to talk about clothes or how he loves animals. He could enjoy music about falling in love, liberal about dispensing hugs, and dreams of a big wedding someday. What have we done? Have we not just described a stereotypical female?
That is the question my mind toys with. We are told that a strong, empowered, emboldened female is correct and progressive as a society, yet we look down on men who take it upon themselves to be caring and like to sew quilts. Worse, we are categorizing them as having a different sexual orientation and, according to the article, just for how they look. It's not just him, it's me too. It's a lot of guys out there and from my personal experience, I can tell you it is immensely painful and frustrating. I want to be sensitive and vulnerable and not judged as being too feminine or gay, just as I'm sure there are women out there who want to be strong and assertive and not be called too masculine or butch. We aren't trying to be anything, we're simply ourselves.
It brings to mind the struggle of the Transexual, who perhaps has the sort of enlightenment that is needed in this moment; that the gender roles we attach to our facets do not define us. Bench pressing 500lbs does not make you a man any more than baking a cake and petting your cat makes you feminine. We are not consigned to any one gender role, same sex relationship or not, since the essence of these roles are based on purely trivial, meaningless things. Attempting to affix labels based on these preconceived notions of gender or sexual preference is small mindedness of the most stupendous kind.
How can we address this properly, though, when we perceive someone acting in a manner in which our culture would have us define as Gay or Feminine? Perhaps being aware of our silent assumptions, as we sit engaging in conversation with a man wearing pink and giggling about how adorable those shoes are. Perhaps he is and maybe he is very proud of this label. But since I cannot tell what labels he identifies with, as he tells me how much he enjoys fuzzy, adorable kitten. I keep my assumptions to myself, no....I suspend them. I sheath them, knowing how very sharp they are and how very deep they can cut. I smile and enjoy his company, comfortable with someone else who is comfortable with exactly who they are.
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