Every morning I wake up and get on the L and move downtown. I usually get off at Monroe. It's about a 10 minute walk to my office from there, but sometimes it feels shorter. Mostly because I am busy taking in the morning sights. Thousands of people bustling to where they need to be, heavy morning traffic, moister-laden clouds drifting past the skyscrapers like some sort of eerie urban-jungle mist. It's really quite something for those who haven't seen it. Perhaps those who have just don't think much of it? These are the kinds of things I let soak in. I take the full gravity of it into my mind because it is typically these average things that are so overlooked.
I mostly look at the faces that walk by me. There are thousands of them. Some I may see again, though I'd probably not know it, but others I will probably never see again. I think about what they wear, where they are going, what they do, what their morning means for them. It's a lot of things, really. It's interesting to look through the crowd and see the individual. It's interesting to think about what they're doing, about what we're all doing in this certified urban giggle in the mid-west.
I've also noticed the odd type of rain the city seems to get. It's sort of a light sprinkle? But constant. My theory is that moister is being carried off of the lake and through the city, but the buildings cause the clouds to slow down just enough to drop a bit of their moister. It seems everyone has an umbrella readily available, except for me, that is. Oh well, I'll figure this whole city thing out eventually.
When I get to my office, I swipe a badge and head on upstairs. The building is as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. I grab my morning coffee and look out over the Chicago river as I listen to the daily stock buzz on the LCD. It's usually this time that I space out, lost in all of the things that could be or may be. I think, Am I smart enough to do this? To be here? I usually worry if I'm out of my league. I remind myself that the best I can do is simply be myself and do the best job I can. My therapist reminds me that I'm pretty smart, along with everyone else. I tell myself the best way to approach this is go in, be awesome, and act like it's impossible to fail. I think about what the future will be like if I succeed..being awash in collared shirts and suits, dinners, parties, and if I were able to let things run to their extremes, the luxuries of the working professional.
I wonder if I'll be able to attain and maintain that level of professionalism, and whether a part of me might be lost in that. I swore a long time ago that no matter how stuffy, corporate, serious, and upper crust things may get for me, I will always be myself. By myself, I mean someone who hasn't lost how to be a real person in the process of growing. I'm still going to love cartoons, cereal, dance music. I'm probably still going to dance when no one is watching and I'm probably still going to skate and play video games (when I can find the time, of course). And of course, I will always be kind and loving to those around me. Having said that, I am very excited about exploring this new and strange world I find myself in. I hope I can adjust accordingly.
Oh, and, side story, I heard a new coworker of mine mention something about marriage and waiting for stability. Ah, the poor guy. I wanted to lean in and tell him the secret, but I'm sure he'll figure it out on his own. The secret, of course, is that stability is an illusion. We merely ride the wave crests in the ocean of change. It may last for a time, but it will eventually sink back into the ocean. The world is by it's very nature unstable and we are better people when we recognize that. It's good to have predictability, of course, but that's about as good as we can do. When you loose everything, you learn you have no control, but you also learn that neither does anyone else. We're all looking to control parts of our lives, but the best we can do is throw things up in the air, see what sticks and bank on it for as long as we think it'll hang there. Things can always change. They will change just like that.
What I can control for the time being, I do my best to do so. What I can't? Well....perhaps it's best left to the breeze.
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